I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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