She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
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