It's Friday. Sex?
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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