No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
