So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
