She is in my trunk
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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