I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Randomize
