My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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