I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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