If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
