the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
