oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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