Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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