I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
