none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
