I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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