i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
