Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
