my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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