Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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