I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
