dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
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