mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
