He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
A bitchslap is in order.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
