I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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