I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
