people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Randomize
