Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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