i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Is it because I queefed?
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize