Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
