i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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