peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize