I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
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