cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
