Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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