Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
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