hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
