she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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