There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
