The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
So squirting runs in the family.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
