Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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