I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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