I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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