The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Randomize
