I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
