Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
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