i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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