I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
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