I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Randomize
