apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
