i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
