just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
