Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
They took my balls.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize