So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
