i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
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