my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize