He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
