I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
