I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
