Pants 0. Shit 1.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
i out mim tonsoeep
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