My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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