Don't you send me to vm
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize