Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
