you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
