My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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