I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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