I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize