At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
they call him Oral-B. enough said
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
