Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
