I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
