So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
