Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
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