So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
