I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I am mentally ready for anal.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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