I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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