i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
