He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
