the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
