Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
